I’ve been sitting on this announcement for a long time guys, so I want to take this opportunity to tell you, my adoring fans, that I’ve officially launched my music career.
Check out my first single here.
Ok, now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to some haiku about my new profession: Music.
“New music sucks cock,”
said everyone at some point.
But right now it’s true.
Want proof? Listen to this. How far did you get? I know you didn’t listen to that whole piece of shit. It’s impossible. Wanna know how I know? Cause I have friends that work at certain locations; let’s just call them “black sites,” for a certain company; let’s just call it the “CIA,” and they just so happened to tell me that when they want to know shit from Saudi nationals they lock them in a box and play that song for a few days. I bet you didn’t know that Lil B was on the CIA’s payroll did you? Well now you do know. Fuck I’m probably going to get in trouble.
I thought rap was bad,
then there was Rebecca Black’s
I know you’ve seen the video. Look at the counter. Look and despair that it’s been viewed FIFTY MILLION times. Sometimes I think I hate bad music so much that I just want to retreat into my own world of like minded haters where we can feverishly jack each other off to our own preferred style of music:
There’s nothing better
than classical music snobs,
except Jazz Nazis.
Ever meet one of these dickheads? They pretend to get physically ill when they’re forced to listen to something that isn’t classical music or jazz. In Yiddish, it’s called “schtick.” It’s when you behave a certain way to indicate something to all the people around you, but all the people around you know you’re full of shit. I got that off of Wikipedia.
Musicians don’t make
any music videos.
It’s a lost art form.
Gather round children and I’ll tell you of a time when there were bands, and the bands would come out with new music, and the music would be on the radio, and the sounds you’d hear coming out of the radio were recorded by the actual people in the band playing real instruments with timing and craftsmanship. Sometimes the videos were as much of an artistic expression as the songs were. Sometimes they were big budget affairs, produced like a movie. Take this video for example. But now, there are no bands, and there are no videos. There is only this.
Can you name any
recent bands or songs that will
stand the test of time?
It’s ok, I already know you can’t. It’s because the best music has already been written quite a while ago. Have you ever heard of “The Beatles”? What about that guy…oh what’s his name…El something. Did you just mentally yell out “Elvis”? For those of you who did, congratulations, I’d like to personally invite you to keep reading my blog, you’re going to fit in just fine here. For those who didn’t, maybe your musical tastes run contrary to the traditional definition of quality, so enjoy this “music” by Creed. God I hate you.
Have you heard about
this guitar player — Jimi
something or other?
There’s nothing better than watching a 15 year old kid realize that everything he’s ever heard in his life was shit, and that all the best music has already been written. It’s almost like classic rock radio is some type of Colonial Williamsburg for talent. I could also make that argument for the ballet, the opera, and the symphony. Rock music has officially joined them. Trapped in amber, faithfully preserved by an army of players whose sole goal is note for note reproduction of the classics. Like these guys.
Some of the best new
music will never get a
Want proof? Check this out. Wanna explain to me why this fucking god amongst men has only ONE MILLION views, and the rich highschooler who sings into a fucking computer for her birthday present has FIFTY TIMES as many? I mean what am I, crazy? How did this guy even get one downvote? He’s got 83. The internet really is an awful place.
One Direction and
Justin Beiber both suck dick.
–Behind the Music.
Don’t worry, all the gay high jinks will eventually come out into the mass media. Just like Lance Bass, you can’t stay in the closet forever. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. The self indulgence of this little shithead is sickening. Seventy eight million views? Really world? Really?